Movie Review: The Champions (2015)

Rating: B+/ Although it is understandable to be wary of a documentary focusing on the ‘unrehabilitatable’ fighting dogs seized from disgraced NFL-er Michael Vick’s compound, The Champions isn’t the gory affair you might expect. Concentrating on the long, arduous road to rehabilitation and the people who have dedicated their lives to helping dogs that are dismissed as hopeless cases, the film is a heartwarming if biased affair, with enough brutal honesty to keep it from becoming too saccharine.

Movie Review: The Drop (2014)

Rating: B+/  In this drama based on Dennis Lehane’s short story Animal Rescue, Tom Hardy plays Bob, a quiet guy with a dark past who works as a bartender and tries to stay out of trouble. In the process of avoiding the temptations of a life of crime, he meets a girl (Noomi Rapace) with her share of bugs in her attic and reluctantly adopts an abused pit bull puppy. But when the girl’s boyfriend (Matthias Schoenaerts) starts pushing Bob to his limit and some mob money gets stolen from Bob’s boss’ (James Gandolfini)’s bar, Bob reveals his capacity for animalistic savagery that lingers behind his mild exterior.

White Bim Black Ear (1977)

Bad things can’t seem to stop happening to Bim, The canine protagonist of  the heartbreaking Soviet Russian film White Bim Black Ear. Despite happy beginnings with a tender-hearted widower named  Ivan Ivanovich (Vyacheslav Tikhonov,) Bim’s life is thrown into turmoil when Ivanovich’s old war injury deteriorates and he is placed in the hospital.

Despite Ivan placing a neighbor in charge of feeding and taking care of Bim, the faithful dog pines for his master, wandering the streets every day desperately searching for his person and meeting people both sympathetic to his plight and merciless. Is suffering to be Bim’s lot in life? Must he consistently be exposed to the worst human nature has to offer, even when aching for his owner’s return?

Warning; if you’re at all sensitive to cruelty to animals and/or a dog lover, this movie will hit you hard. My helpless weeping at the end of this film can not even be counted as a cathartic cry as such; it was an ugly cry, complete with my vision blurring so badly through a multitude of tears I couldn’t even see the screen. There’s only one movie involving doggie melodrama that made me cry even more than this one; and that movie was Hachi- A Dog’s Tale (the ultimate canine grief porn weeper, which you will desist from so much as mentioning in my presence.)

Although the emotional factor of this movie is alarmingly high, it is by no means a perfect movie. For one thing, it’s wwaaayy too long, just over three hours. It could probably be cut down by thirty minutes or so, but the director is intent on getting every moment of brutal tragedy in there. Luckily, I have a really long attention span for movies; on the other hand, some people don’t. Those people are likely to find White Bim Black Ear excessive or even, ahem, boring (it does manage to be bafflingly grueling at points, especially for a film that seems to have a fairly small story to tell and an awful lot of filler.)

I also have questions concerning how Ivan’s corpulent, gossipy neighbor (Valentina Vladimirova) is portrayed. She really doesn’t seem to have much motivation for ostracizing Bim, rendering her one-dimensional and almost cartoonish. The strident nature in which is she is portrayed in the film doesn’t really work, especially since it is her that deals the final fatal blow to Bim’s fate. It seems like she should be taken somewhat more seriously by the script; the only reason I can imagine for her atrocious behavior is that she is a horrid and deeply bored old hag, intent on making those around her suffer. She seems too over-the-top to be a real person though, despite the definite existence of people somewhat like her in this world.

Now for the good; the animal wranglers have picked an amazing dog actor to play Bim. Vyacheslav Tikhonov does an excellent job as BIm’s much-loved master and has good chemistry with the canine who plays him. This movie really shows the loyalty of dogs, although it goes to far at times at making Bim more intelligent than a dog could be in actuality (including making Bim know in his heart that the note placed in front of him on the floor is from his hospitalized master- I mean, I know that we’re told a million times that Bim is an intelligent dog, but come on.)

Take heed, this movie is not for children. It’s agonizingly sad; you keep holding out your hope things will turn out okay, but the tragedy overrides any happiness that might have been had by the characters. However, if you like heartbreaking Russian stories, drowned in hundreds of years of tears and Vodka, this movie is for you. Bim is a true innocent, ignorant to maliciousness of many human beings, but, as they say, sometimes it is the innocents who suffer. Keep tissues handy.

The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford

Sheila Burnford’s animal saga is a nice little story that somehow doesn’t manage to achieve greatness at any point through it’s duration. Mind you. every child should read this charming novel once in their lives, and for the most part it has managed not to age since it’s first publication in the sixties; it’s a sweetly rendered love letter to house pets and the great Canadian wilderness as well as a suitable read aloud.

Still, The Incredible Journey’ fails to be truly riveting, and I’m trying to put my finger on the reason I feel this way. The story follows an irresistible bull terrier protagonist, Bodger, and his two animal friends (a Labrador and a Siamese cat) as they brave a arduous trek across Canadian soil to find their beloved masters. There are many challenges along the way, of course, presented in episodic fashion, and Carl Burger provides lovely illustrations portraying the animals’ daunting journey.

Two film adaptations came out after the books release, a 1963 version, the more realistic one by far. and a tame Walt Disney remake in 1993, a bastardization in many ways while still remaining a relatively charming family film. People who watch the 1993 film might get a confused notion about what the book itself is about. While “Homeward Bound” (as the remake is called) applies celebrity voice actors to the animal characters, there is barely any dialogue at all in the book. The animals certainly don’t talk.

Instead of giving the animals human voices, the novel concentrates one portraying the canines and their feline companion with their animal behavior intact while still making them likable and endearing. This book is a little darker and much more serious than “Homeward Bound,” and sometimes comes off as a little frosty and distant without the voices of the animals we 90’s kids have come to expect from childrens’ entertainment.

While the book is much more mature and artistically sound, there are times when one gets a chilly vibe from the brief volume, where individual events and supporting characters aren’t focused on for more than a few pages. The main thing that supplies this book with life is the exquisite charcoal drawings, cozy and warm additions to the text.

The real strength of ‘The Incredible Journey’ is Burnford’s obvious skill writing prose as well as her ability to make the animal characters sympathetic without having them say a single word. The old bull terrier, Bodger, will win your heart with his undying loyalty and steadfast sweetness as well as his adorable love of children and particularly the unlikely bond he shares with his feline friend, Tao.

Something about this book- maybe the slim size- makes it feel a bit unsubstantial, like a sweet that you savor before it all too quickly disappears down your throat and into your stomach, leaving you hungry for more. However, it’s a book that kids and adults should like just fine and it endearing, if like the metaphorical sweetie, not quite filling.

“Skunk,” a Short Story by Yours Truly

Life through a pit bull’s eyes. A short story I wrote during my leisure time, please stop and read it during some of yours. Feel free to leave your thoughts about it, criticism, whatever.

I am not human, but I like to think I have accumulated some useful wisdom in my thirteen years. As I lay here on the cold metallic table, facing an operation that may keep me alive for a few short years or may end everything for me now within hours, I look back on my childhood, which was mostly, I like to think, a happy one. Funny how a dry clinical term like ‘bone cancer’  can be half-heard on the television, read in a newspaper, if one is the possessor of a good set of eyes and hands, but has a certain kind of finality when applied to you. But, still, my heavy heart bears a kind of relief, for my seemingly endless weeks of pain may finally be coming to an end.

—

I was dubbed Skunk when I was born, named for the black and white stripes that run up and down my back. I was born in the pound, and resigned to a short and fleeting life due to my kind. ‘American Pit Bull,’ written in fine print across a piece of paper on our cage, has a certain foreboding for potential puppy buyers. Yet I have never bitten a human being, despite extremely mitigating circumstances I’ve had to endure. I guess it was my mother who made damn sure that if I got picked up it wouldn’t be for naught. She was a extremely poised, proper bitch who loved her whelps with the fierce devotion that is attributed only to people.We were expected to give the humans no reason not to trust us, to be lovable little ‘spokespeople’ for our breed. I never knew whether Mother (credited as ‘Pearl’ on our pound papers) made it out. I was one of the first ones to escape, not that conditions were really that poor. We were cared for by nice people. But at 2 1/2 months of age, I was destined for better things, or so I believed.

—

I remember crying for my mother for a while, then falling asleep on the  car seat. It was comfortable grey leather, though of course I had never been on a car ride and had nothing to compare the relative comfort of the seats to. I woke up in a sticky, moist puddle of my own urine. I remembering the human mother (although she was not my mother, nor did she intend to be) being angry at that. But she didn’t hit me at that point. I was a novelty.

I was handed over to three kids, two of which poked, prodded, and pushed me to no end. Only the youngest, Susan,  a girl of seven, was gentle and kind. She would slip her doll’s bottle into my mouth, and though at first I was indignant that the makeshift teat didn’t contain milk, I became comforted by the memory of my mother’s soft nipple. The boys, Ryan and Joey, were not so gentle. Joey was the worst. He would try to  run me over with his remote control car, laughing manically. I guess boys will be boys and so forth and so on, but sometimes I thought Joey’s behavior ran a bit deeper than that.

I was a willful pup, resentful of being taken away from my mother and in the midst of a troublesome age. I urinated on the floor, chewed up shoes and slippers, and nipped outstretched fingers and toes. I never bit, but I loved the sensation of a pink wriggly finger in my mouth, so much more satisfying than the rough, unyielding teat of Susan’s toy baby bottle. I remember the day I chewed up the remote controller and the mother kicked me hard across the floor. Initially I thought it was the beginning of some brutal new game, and I rushed towards her, expecting… what? Something. An unspoken signal that she didn’t mean any animosity behind the attack. But it was not so. She kicked me again, and I yelped with pain and worry.

“Stupid fucking dog,” she muttered, trudging away in her slippers and bathrobe and those awful rollers in her hair.

Then they started to hit me. It was nothing big at first, just a slap here and there, a ‘dumb dog’ tossed carelessly in my direction. Only Susan refrained for striking me. Suddenly it got worse. The mother would get all into a fluster and beat me wielding a newspaper, with wild abandon and a maniacal gleam in her eye. I began to chew newspapers, and they beat me for that. It was a tough time, and I had to struggle against my baser instincts, everything my mother had ever warned me about- in other words, the urge to sink my teeth into human flesh. I refrained for my mother, and I refrained for Susan. Some says, only the girl’s wide-eyed innocence (coupled with my own sense of self-preservation) prevented me from taking a chunk out of one of my sadistic new ‘family.’ In another sense though, despite my rage, I simultaneously forgave them all their sins and transgressions, and I remembered what my mother had once told me “They’re human beings. They think they love you, they think they want you, but then they toss you aside like a disused plaything.” Human Beans? I had thought foolishly. I’ll make sure to stay away from those, whatever they are. Yes, they were only human. They are the less evolved mammal, after all.

Mother’s prediction came full circle, as they say, when the family (they were called the Browns) decided to take a move from Virginia to Seattle, Washington. Once they had packed the kids into the van and Susan had fallen asleep, they enacted their evil plan. They left me on a freeway in the pouring rain, pausing their journey briefly to drop me off and then speeding away, discarding their unwanted plaything on the dirty rain-soaked concrete.

I wandered across the freeway for what seemed like days, and still my heart was filled with not loathing as much as forgiveness. They had to come back. Surely my abandonment was nothing more than a cataclysmic mix-up. They would return, panicked and concerned and apologetic. Wouldn’t they?
When I finally realized the Browns weren’t coming back, I trotted into a litter-speckled field and lay in the dirt, feeling despondent. I wondered what the Browns had told Susan, poor, sweet Susan, in the wake of my absence. That I had escaped, run away from the only family I knew? That I had joined the circus? Ha. I lay lamenting in my misanthropic grief, hungry and cold and scared.

Then he showed up. I saw his beard first, a big white bristly thing that stood out on his ruddy features like a hedgehog. Then a nose that looked as if it had been on the receiving end of a thousand bar fights. Then the eyes, icy blue yet warm and kind, like the eyes of a friendly neighborhood fireman or Santa Claus. That’s who I thought he was at first. Santa Claus.

“Santa?” I groaned. But of course he couldn’t hear me.

His name was Stu. He lived under the bridge a few miles down from the dirt pit where I had laid to die, and he begged for change outside the local Exon station. He explained to me, as if I was one of those ubiquitous human beings, that he was a Vietnam Veteran suffering from ‘a mild case of PTSD and general psychosis.’ I didn’t know what PTSD was, I thought I could catch it. But as he held me close during the cold autumn nights, I came to realize I was not all worse for it.

“Here’s my humble abode, my home sweet home,” he said as he introduced me to his place under the bridge, laughing bitterly but not unkindly. “It’s not much but… beggars can’t be choosers.”

He trained me to do tricks outside the Exon station, and people went Gaga for it. He told me he made twice as much money with me by his side. He said it happy too. Like I was special. He always made sure he made enough money to feed me, even if he and I had to perform for the stragglers at the station late into the night. If he couldn’t feed himself and me on any given night, he settled with seeing to it that my belly had food in it. If I didn’t want to take the the peanut butter crackers or the sardines he had bought me, he shook his head grimly and said “Eat up, Miss Priss. Food is Food.”

He called me Lady. after that ‘dog in that movie he couldn’t remember the name of.’ And I loved him so much it hurt, I loved him with every fiber of his being. I was there for him when he woke up hearing the screaming and the gunshots in the back of his skull. And I was there when he started prostituting at the truck stop. For the men-folk, he said, like it was a joke. He had been born this way, he didn’t care what anyone said. It had caused some problems for him in the military.

He called himself Last Resort Stu. He said he came in when there was absolutely no one in a man’s life. “Isn’t it sad when people have no one?” he asked me.

Some of the men tried to be as gentle as they could, and got a kick out of me. “You’ve got the best behaved dog this side of Virginia,” they would say. “Yup, she’s a good ‘un,” Stu would reply. One man tried to buy me for $120, more than Stu made in a month. Stu turned him down, said he needed me. “For business.” You don’t need me for this kind of business, I thought. All you do is mount and make sounds while I lie on the floor. I felt proper useless.

One day, gradually and all at once, Stu got sick. He reckoned it had to do with the kind of business he had been doing. I didn’t understand. What exactly had made him ill? He lay in the gutter, hacking and coughing, and, as winter descended, freezing. By the time he was rushed to the hospital, saving him was an ugly joke. Come springtime, Stu was dead.

I was taken to Stu’s funeral, where I glared, uncomprehending, at his myriad relations. Why hadn’t they come to Stu’s rescue as he had come to mine? What were humans for, anyway? Stu’s parents were dead, but Stu’s sister, Marybeth, stood and fingered the little gold cross around her neck as the priest condemned his body to the earth. And Stu’s so called family ultimately betrayed him in one more important way, too. Stu had written on the back of a McDonalds napkin on more final will and testament, that I should be taken care of. The family declined. And, once more, I was taken to the ASPCA.

Which is when my story takes a happy turn. A family, the Johnsons, came and picked me up from the shelter and out of my loneliness.

Mike, Helen, Sammy, and Carol Johnson. Sammy was in a wheelchair and was haunted by loneliness and his own physical limitations, so the Johnsons thought I might be a good companion dog for him. As soon as I met him I knew he was a good one. I served as a conversation starter for Sammy and potential new friends, and while mostly it worked, sometimes it didn’t… kids called him ‘CP boy’ in ugly tones and made fun of the fact that he garbled and sometimes stuttered and lay twisted in his chair. But mostly, the walls around Sammy were the ones he built himself. I saw him through his first crush, his graduation, and his moving out of his parents’ home into an assisted living facility. Not once in those years did I regret my the direction my life taken.

There was another dog in the Johnson house, a rottweiler named Magnolia (‘Maggie’ for short.) She wasn’t considered an ideal companion for Sammy because she was old and grumpy and mostly ignored everyone. But I found when I moved in as a new addition to the family that she was not apathetic at all. Quite the opposite, actually. In truth, she was extremely protective of them.

Yeah, we got into it a few times. Magnolia would eat from her bowl, gobbling thickly like a pig from a trough,  then eat from mine, which I allowed her to do rather than get into a scrap (however resentfully.) I eventually learned to eat fast, even faster than Maggie could down her own kibble, which was a real challenge. Maggie was a high-class bitch, bought and paid for from a Rottweiler breeder upstate. She hadn’t seen how bad life could get. But I rather enjoyed her orneriness, and we rarely fought, except when she really pushed me or outright attacked me (this happened a few times, and the Johnsons had to pull us apart, me cowering in shame, her pleased as a pig in a dung-pile, properly satisfied.)

Magnolia died when I was about seven years of age. She wanted to show me who was boss til the very end, and I obliged her. The Johnsons had a grieving period of a few months, then the brought home Francie, a two month old miniature poodle. Mike Johnson was afraid I’d hurt him. As if Francie could stand still long enough for me to lay a paw on him! Off the bat, Francie would desperately try to mount me with his small miniature-poodle-sized member, oblivious to the fact that I had been fixed in puppyhood. I kind of liked it though. It made me feel young and virile.

So, that’s the story of my life. Excluding one last detail. My death.

Oh, I’m not dead yet. But the cancer has started to creep through my bones like an ivy, making it hard if not downright impossible to walk like I used to. I’ve seen a lot in my dealings with the Johnsons. I’ve seen Carol, the daughter, lay aside her Barbies and stuffed animals for more womanly things. She’s growing up and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I’ve seen Sammy become more independent, turning from a shy, introspective kid to a more gregarious, outgoing man. I’ve seen Mike and Helen fall out the love they had for each other as starry-eyed youths and then back into it again. I’ve been there during both their rough patches and their good times, and alternately seen how bad it can get and the happy moments between the family. I like to think I figured into that happiness.

Can I tell you a secret? Are you listening? Good. I’ve been having dreams lately. About Mags. About Stu. About a place existed in the white space after life. Do you think there’s life after death?  I think so.

I wonder what those two will do when I see them.  Stu will probably hug me, call me his good girl and try to entice me in a game of fetch. I wonder if he’ll smell clean in heaven. I think so. I think he’ll smell like fresh soap, and have as much to eat as he wants. We both will. We’ll eat ourselves sick with the most succulent cuisine. And he’ll never have to frequent another truck stop again.

Mags will probably try to put me in my place. I wonder if I’ll let her.

I have a sneaking feeling I’m not going to survive this operation.

But it’s okay.

It really is.

I eagerly anticipate the next adventure.

Sightseers (2012)

Two besotted crazies embark on a killer road trip and let loose their darkest desires in this pitch-black comedy with a never ending supply of bile and bite. Tina (Alice Lowe,) the slower of the two lovers (a little simple at best, borderline retarded at worst) is in her thirties but still lives with her domineering mother (Eileen Davies.) Mom is a wrinkled old vulture who is emotionally abusive towards her adult daughter and searches her room for condoms and signs of impropriety (she’s thirty, for God’s sakes!)

Tina goes against her mother’s wishes and goes on a road trip with her boyfriend Chris (Steve Oram) on a road trip in his caravan. The trip takes a violent turn when Chris accidently runs over a tourist (Tony Way,) but events become increasingly homicidal as Chris abates his insatiable appetite for murder. Sometimes one accidental death isn’t enough to appease your bloodlust.

Can we cease and desist on the comparisons to “Natural Born Killers” people? Totally different films done in totally different styles, with totally different intentions. One thing’s for sure, you’ll never look at potpourri the same way again. Unlike black comedies, like, say, “God Bless America,” the movie never tries to convince you that the victims ‘deserve it.’ The idiocy of the leads and the way they try to justify their actions to themselves and the viewer are a big part of the humor.

“Sightseers” wins laughs from it’s startlingly mundane yet disturbing portrayal of the main characters and their crazy, insane back-and-forth banter. Although the Schizophrenic editing in certain scenes wasn’t really my style, I loved the ending (although I predicted it right before it happened.)

Although Steve Oram is good in his role as a dim psychopath, Alice Lowe is terrific as the truly twisted and moronic Tina, who believes she is truly in love with Chris and finds she has a taste for his murderous lifestyle-a  lifestyle that, due to the anti-heroes’ ineptitude as serial killers, wont pay of in the end.

If you have a sick sense of humor and want to watch something that’s off the grid, “Sightseers” might be the movie for you. I found myself distracted during the first half, but then I started to really get into it during the second half, leading up to the ingenious (but inevitable) ending. “Sightseers” is the kind of movie that flies under the radar but is worth seeing by people whose taste is subversive enough to really enjoy it.

The Voices (2014)

Jerry Hickfang (Ryan Reynolds) is the kind of man no one would suspect of any wrong doing- well-groomed, mild-mannered, and charmingly naïve and uncomplicated, he gets along with all his co-workers at the bathtub factory at which he works, and lives a comfortable life with his cat and dog in the podunk town of Milton.

But Jerry has deep-seated problems- problems that stem from his Schizophrenic mother, his abusive stepfather, and his own out-of-control fantasies and delusions that manifest themselves in voices and often comforting, if woefully misleading, visions. Like many mentally ill people, Jerry finds that all the color is drained from his life when he takes the zombifying pills his psychiatrist (Jacki Weaver) prescribes.

But Jerry has a secret. It’s not that shocking that Jerry talks to his pets (Hell, doesn’t everybody?) But his animals have been particularly vocal lately. His cat, especially, has been known to push him to the edge. And Mr. Whiskers has an agenda- an agenda that turns downright murderous after Jerry accidently kills his indifferent love interest Fiona (Gemma Arterton) in a fit of panic.

Mr. Whiskers is insistent that Jerry kill again, but Jerry’s lovable mastiff, Bosco, tries to convince Jerry to live a morally righteous life. Jerry’s descent into madness is both wickedly funny, fairly disturbing, and oddly touching. “The Voices,” helmed by the graphic novelist Marjane Satrapi (‘Persopolis,”) is an offbeat morality tale about the pressures of being a ‘good boy’ Vs. giving in to your inner sociopath.

The script is convoluted, and downright ridiculous at times- the deer scene will make you laugh if you aren’t too busy cringing at the copious gore. But it’s all part of the blackly comic vision screenwriter Michael R. Perry has offered up on screen for us. “The Voices” is also visually striking; there’s a distinct contrast between the beauty, presented up in rich hues that makes up how Jerry sees the world and the dank, dark reality of Jerry’s bloodstained apartment.

Ryan Reynolds gives a commendable performance as Jerry, an upbeat man-child with a homicidal streak, and disturbingly, you’re forced to sympathize with his earnest if deranged worldview, and thus, to some extent, his crimes. Bosco and Mr. Whiskers are also voiced by Reynolds, which makes perfect sense, being that they are quite literally extensions of Jerry himself.

Considering the talent that is on display here, the totally WTF ending is regrettable to say the least. It’s like the writer went ‘what the hell’ after days of writer’s block, got high, and quickly scrawled down an ending with no real cohesion or connection to the rest of the story. Why not have a big song and dance sequence at the end of your horror film? Add Jesus? What the hell! We don’t see enough of that guy these days anyway.

For people who wanted an actual conclusion to Jerry’s story, that you know, made any kind of sense whatsoever, the ending will be a huge disappointment. Simply put- this is not a great movie. But it is the kind of movie I like to watch, off-the-chain and quirkily, even shallowly psychological, so I’m bound to cut it more slack than some people might.

For those viewers who set their expectations (reasonably) low and prepare for a stinker of an ending, for those movie lovers who like their comedies pitch-black and all kinds of twisted, The Voices” might turn out to be a strangely gratifying experience. Because like poor Jerry Hickfang, we all see the world the way we want to see it. But unlike Jerry, most of us are unwilling to kill for that vision.

Baxter (1989)

While I stand by my belief that human beings are the only creatures capable of true, premeditated evil, a film premise concerning a homicidal, misanthropic dog with a razor-sharp human intellect was too fascinating to pass up. That’s what this movie is all about, really… even if it’s rough around the edges in some parts and so, so hard to watch at others, you can’t fault it for creativity. For a dog, who is considered ‘man’s best friend’ and a protector of humankind, to be a incarnation of human’s worst qualities, is a innovative idea, to say the least.  But, ultimately, one can’t help but feel sympathy for the titular Baxter. As always, the ‘superior’ evil of man wins over the force of a clawed, toothed animal’s will.

We are introduced to Baxter’s world in a distorted, bizarre sequence featuring the dogs in a pound making a ruckus and baring their teeth. It’s a normal real-life scene, except for the way it’s handled, which is uncanny and eerie at best, completely surrealistic and mundanely terrifying at worst. This sets up the development of the canine anti-hero, a bull terrier who should be considered immoral and malicious, to say the least. Meet Baxter. He’s not like other dogs.

Baxter is adopted and given to an elderly lady (Lise Delamare) as a birthday present by her daughter. To say that Baxter dislikes the old woman is an understatement. Bored and infuriated by the uneventful life of a docile, neglected house pet, Baxter knocks the old woman down the stairs twice, finally killing her.

After the lady’s death, Baxter goes looking for a perfect human to spend the rest of his life with, ideally, one who ‘feels neither love nor fear’ (Baxter’s ugly thoughts are brought to life by the late French actor Maxime Leroux, who maintains a creepy, almost sociopathic inflection throughout.) After another failed endeavor aimed at finding the ideal master, Baxter gets saddled with Charles (François Driancourt,) a sicko adolescent obsessed with Hitler. At first Baxter finds he can respect the youth’s nihilistic worldview, but what is the price of this twisted partnership? And when the boy’s degenerate behavior surpasses that of even Baxter, what price will be paid?

Firstly, if you find yourself particularly unnerved by cruelty towards animals in movies, don’t bother to watch this movie. It won’t inspire you, ingratiate you, or offer you anything but hopelessness and violence. However, if you like dark, unusual films with a hint of horror, this might prove to be your type of flick. I wouldn’t necessarily characterize “Baxter” as black comedy, though there are certainly some who may disagree with me on that point. Despite a lack of likable characters, the movie becomes twistier and more tragic by the minute.

I really liked the scenes shot from Baxter’s point of view. The choice to make the actor who plays Charles so young was a good one- his youth paired with his complete ammorality makes the situation all the more disturbing (it deserves to be mentioned that the kid actor does a very good job, despite this being his only movie.)

I was a little quizzical about the portrayal of the human characters. Maybe it was written as such to drive home Baxter’s belief about the inferiority of certain people, which ties into the kid’s Neo-Nazi ideology, but the people featured in the film display a dazzling ignorance. From the rotten teen’s parents, who decide not to confront him about his Nazi paraphernalia because he’s ‘going through a phase’ to the pretty brunette who sleeps with the youth after he compares her beauty to that of Eva Braun, the humans don’t seem to have a brain among them.

This mostly works, except for one scene that almost ruined the movie for me in it’s ridiculousness. Let me set the scene, if I may, of a couple (Jany Gastaldi and Jacques Spiesser)   that have adopted Baxter (post- dead old lady but pre- Nazi scuzzbucket.)

The duo have a new baby who Baxter has a deep and abiding hatred for. The baby has almost fallen (or been pushed?) into the fountain in the yard once, so what do the mom and dad do? They go in to have sex, leaving the tyke on the lawn. Whether or not you know the dog is trying to kill the baby (which you wouldn’t, let’s be honest,) would you leave the child in a yard with a fountain he has a propensity for crawling toward? No.

Pretending two people of non-retarded intelligence would do this just to advance the plot is lame to say the least. But if you overlook that scene (argh,) “Baxter” is a thought-provoking film and a singularly bizarre character study. I would like to get a hold of the book on which it was based, “Hell Hound” by Ken Greenhall. Also, is it weird that now I want a bull terrier? 😛

Air Bud (1997)

Okay, so I like “Air Bud.” What can I say?- I was a 90’s kid. Unfairly maligned because of its truly awful sequels, “Air Bud” certainly isn’t the best ‘boy and his dog’ movie out there, but you could do worse for a rainy Saturday afternoon with the kids. Sure, there’s more slapstick than a “The Three Stooges” episode (rule of thumb- if there’s a decadent cake introduced at the beginning of a scene in a children’s movie, said cake will be fallen into before the sequence is done,) but there’s genuine heart  too. Maybe I’m seeing it through the distorted lens of a former soppy, dog-loving preteen, but I believe it’s there.

12-year-old Josh Framm (Kevin Zegers) is having a rough year- his pilot dad died in a plane crash, he’s starting up at a new school, and the bullies have picked him as the target for mild but annoyingly insistent bullying.) Josh has probably been struck by the puberty fairy too, though the more sensitive implications of this have not been touched on for obvious reasons. He’s moody, distant, and unresponsive to his mother (Wendy Makkena)’s attempts to reach him.

Into Josh’s life walks Buddy, an abused, highly intelligent Golden Retriever on the run from his children’s entertainer owner, Norm Snively (Michael Jeter) who’s not a very nice man at all. Buddy takes some urging due to his fear of people, but ultimately proves to be a good and loyal friend to the lonely Josh. Soon, it is revealed that Buddy has a secret- he can play basketball!- and the lovable dog serves as an icebreaker to help Josh get over his shyness and play sports with his classmates.

I really like the late Michael Jeter as a character actor- unfortunately, he doesn’t have much to do here except be knocked into everything. Still, he’s fine in the role he was given, and offers a few laughs (mostly to very small children.) Nevertheless, “Air Bud” is a cute movie with several good subplots going for it. One of these concerns Arthur Chaney (Bill Cobbs,) a former basketball star who now works as a simple janitor at Josh’s school, and offers his friendship and guidance to Josh and ultimately, to the team.

The heart of the film is Josh and Buddy’s relationship, which is carried out effectively for this kind of movie. By allowing plenty of scenes of Josh and Buddy simply spending time together, the movie lets us root for their friendship- which is threatened when the dastardly Norm returns on the scene. I like the way Buddy is allowed to act like a dog, despite his extraordinary sports-playing talents, and I like how Josh has to win his trust by laying down a trail of vanilla pudding containers.

Frankly, I still like this movie from when I was a kid and I enjoyed watching it with my 11-year-old sister and listening to her laugh. “Air Bud” isn’t a great movie by any means, but it’s cute and charming and fun. Let me just save you the time and tell you not to watch the sequels. If your kids have any sense, even they will hate them.

Lassie Come Home (1943)

Above all, “Lassie Come Home” is a heartwarming, frequently heartbreaking testament to the bond between a boy and his dog. Penniless lad Joe Carraclough (Roddy McDowall) is devastated when his desperately poor  Yorkshire parents (Donald Crisp and Elsa Lanchester) sell his beloved dog, Lassie, to a wealthy dog breeder (Nigel Bruce) in Scotland. In the breeder’s ownership, Lassie languishes in a cage and is misused by her new owner’s nasty servant Hynes (J. Pat O’Malley.)

Lassie repeatedly tries to escape, only to be dragged back and imprisoned by Hynes. One day she gets away for good and embarks on the 1,000-mile journey back to her family. Lassie suffers many hardships and meets several kind people on her trip, but never forgets where she belongs- in the arms of her boy Joe.

Chances are, this movie is going to cause some serious feels even for the most hardened filmgoer. For one thing, the child actor (who went on to play flim-flam artist ‘vampire slayer’ Peter Vincent in the original “Fright Night”) is almost too convincing. In the scene where he realizes Lassie won’t be meeting him in the schoolyard after class anymore, McDowell buckles in an explosion of snot and tears. It really puts the sentimental, gently grating child actors of today to shame.

For another, Lassie goes through a living Hell to get back to her master. There were moments where I seriously wondered if the humane society was present at the time of this movie, for example, where Lassie swims through a muddy, slimy body of water and collapses, disheveled, outside the home of a caring, elderly couple.

Unfortunately, there were some corny elements, like a dastardly duo of villains named ‘Snickers’ and ‘Buckles’ (Those are their street names, yo) who give the kind carny Rowlie (Edmund Gwenn) an incredibly fake beating. However, my sister (who had read the book adaptation) refused to watch the scene where the gruesome twosome dole out a fatal kick to the carnie’s dog, Toots.

If you’re willing to put your cynicism away (it helps if you are a dog lover,) “Lassie Come Home” makes an entertaining, if oddly melancholy, watch. It does a good job of seeing Joe’s parents side of things as well; though it probably won’t matter, kids will likely hate them for selling Lassie anyway. Older viewers will see that what they did what they did  out of desperation, not cruelty.

Classic film buffs might want to note that Elizabeth Taylor is featured as the breeder’s granddaughter, Priscilla. Frankly, it seems to me like the two sequels (“Son of Lassie,” “Courage of Lassie”) whose advertisements are featured on the DVD are probably not worth bothering with. For Chrissakes, “Courage of Lassie” doesn’t even have Lassie IN it. But I digress.

In summation, “Lassie Come Home” is a overlooked and effective family film, though probably not of the very young or very sensitive.