The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

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I’m going to completely pull all the stops here and argue that this film is not total crap. That’s not to say that it’s good, and the redeeming value is tricky; you have to sift through piles of soullessness and shit to find it, but it’s there, in this reviewer’s humble opinion. This story of a mad German doctor who sews three people mouth to rectum, therefore creating a ‘Siamese triplet,’ is also touching at times (no really.) Teamwork, people!

I broke the rules and watched “The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)” first. It was mediocre but saved by a virtuoso performance (well, surprisingly awesome for this kind of movie) by Laurence R. Harvey as the vile ‘Martin.’ I am honored to have Laurence as a friendly acquaintance via Twitter. He is a truly talented man. I didn’t expect much from the first movie (same old experience of watching people get abducted and centipeded, no Laurence R. Harvey to back it up.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not recommending this movie. It is (unsurprisingly) vile, disgusting, and not very good. But I heard from everyone prior to seeing THC that the movie was complete trash. Well, it’s not. Not completely. Deiter Laser actually does a good job as the maniacal villain, and the actresses playing the two terrorized tourists are decent despite paper-thin characterization. The Japanese guy (Akihiro Kitamure) who makes up the front end of the centipede wasn’t the greatest, frankly, but he wasn’t all that bad either, and his character was the 2nd most interesting (after Heiter.)

The plot (since I’ve been a little sketchy on that until now)- two American girls (Ashlynn Yennie and Ashley K. Williams) who are taking a tour of Europe break down in the wrong place at the wrong time- to be specific, Dr. Heiter’s pad. Now old Heiter wants his Siamese Triplet experiment to come to fruitation, but the trio of Rottweilers he tried it on died in the process (does it prove I’m a psycho when I say hearing about the surgery being applied to dogs was the only thing about this film that really bothered me?)

Now he wants to connect these two girls to a third (very unwilling) participant. What follows is disgusting, disturbing, and sad, a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. For the most part, this movie is unnecessary and artless, but director Tom Six does manage to build a atmosphere of tension and terror in certain scenes. I think “The Human Centipede (First Sequence)” was much longer than it needed to be, sporting scenes devoted to humiliation and pain rather than building the plot or being frightening.

Some people (you know who you are) will probably watch this movie just to show you can. And that’s fine. I’m not going to try to stop you. Just realize there are much better ways you could be spending a Saturday night. I will end this review by giving a list of horror movies that are more entertaining, compelling, and yes, frightening, than “The Human Centipede II.”

Horror Movies You’d Much Rather Watch Than “The Human Centipede” Movies-

1. Let the Right One In, and it’s remake Let Me In

2. Halloween (1978)

3. Carrie (1976)

4. An American Werewolf in London

5. The Others

6. Nosferatu

7. The Devil’s Backbone (1973)

8. Martyrs

9. Ginger Snaps

10. The Lost Boys

11. The Shining

12. The Wicker Man

13. Alien

14. Tony

15. Kill List

16. The Sacrament

17. Shaun Of the Dead

18. Dawn Of the Dead

19. Attack the Block

20. The Silence of the Lambs

21. Antibodies

22. Citadel

23. Henry- Portrait of a Serial Killer

24. Zombieland

25. Fido

To sum this unusually long review up, I thought Tom Six’s film was okay (not terrible,) but not worth the hype. I think it would be hard to really enjoy as anything other than a geek show (in the words of Roger Ebert, R.I.P.,) but a lot of people will watch it (as I did) simply for the hell of it. I will try to avoid the upcoming third film in the franchise because, I said it myself, there are much better films I could be watching, and Tom Six is making a career off of cheap shock value.

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